How to know if you should keep dating him or walk away?
I often hear clients say:
"I just don't know if he's right for me"
"I can't tell how I feel about him. He has so many great qualities BUT....."
It seems that one of the most confusing things in the dating world these days is figuring out whether the person we're dating is someone worth continuing to explore with.
Why is this such a hard thing to figure out?
The reality is that if you've been in the dating world for a while and are struggling to find a good match, it's not uncommon to start second guessing and questioning yourself. Friends and family seem to chime in at every turn with their well intentioned advice: "You're being too picky" and "You're not giving people a fair shot". While at first, you want to disagree with them -- after a while, you can't help but start to wonder....
AM I being too picky?
Am I just repeating some old pattern where I'm attracted to the "wrong" guys?
These are definitely important questions to explore and I encourage anyone that's struggling with dating to do the kind of self-inquiry necessary to see if, indeed, you might have old limiting beliefs or patterns that could be running the show (and unintentionally blocking you from love).
While I can't say for sure what the case is for you....there are two simple questions, that when answered honestly, will lead you to greater clarity as it relates to wondering if you should continue to date someone or not.
1) How do you feel in your body when you think about this person?
Okay...I know that might sound hokey...but what's important is:
When you think about this person -- do you find yourself contracting inside....feeling tight and tense and anxious? OR do you feel open and expansive and calm inside?
No matter how confused you are about the person-- if you really tune into yourself....you'll clearly be able to see how your body is responding to thoughts about them. If there is way more contraction and tightness in your body then joy and calm around this person....LISTEN TO THAT. That's a clear sign that something is off for you. An off feeling in your body can show up in a variety of ways, and might be experienced as a clentched feeling in your chest or throat or a sick feeling in your gut. If the thought of someone causes uneasiness, anxiety, and contraction in you ---- pay attention! Our minds like to think that they can figure most everything out, but the truth is that our bodies hold a whole lot of wisdom and speak to us in very clear ways. Pay attention to that.
2) Do you actually WANT to keep seeing them?
Yeah...yeah...this may seem obvious. But so often it's easy to get caught up in what we think we SHOULD do regarding dating a person versus what we actually WANT to do. It's easy to get caught up with what our friends or family think and lose touch with what we're actually feeling. I suggest putting aside the 'should's' and get quiet and ask yourself: What do I actually WANT to do? Do you actually WANT to keep seeing this person? Or does the idea of watching Sex and the City re-runs at home on a Saturday night sound more appealing then going to a movie and dinner with this person? It's important to pay attention to whose voice you're actually hearing in your head, toss the "should's" aside and ask: What do *I* actually WANT to do? Usually the answer is very clear and right there waiting for you. :)
While there are many areas of dating that can be complicated -- figuring out if you should keep seeing someone doesn't have to be. If you find yourself constantly struggling in your relationships, choosing to date men who aren't a good fit for you, feeling unsure about who you're with and always second guessing yourself and feeling anxious -- there is a usually a deeper issue going on under the surface that needs to be addressed in order to stop these patterns.
If you're fed up with feeling stuck in your dating world and you're ready to turn these patterns around once and for all -- I offer 30 min. complimentary consultations to see if working together would be a good fit for both of us. If you're ready to make this year your LAST year of being single (...or stuck in a relationship that's less then ideal) -- then let's talk. I'm a psychotherapist and a dating & relationship coach -- and I help people figure out what's been blocking them from having the love they want.
And if you're ready to book that consultation -- click here.
I'd love to connect with you and see how I might be able to help support you :)
Melanie Hersch is a Psychotherapist and a Dating & Relationship Coach who is passionate about helping people figure out what's getting in their way from having the kind of love they want.
She's an insight facilitator, a bullshit detective, a communication enthusiast and a personal cheerleader who infuses humor and lightness into deeper personal explorations. If you're in a place where you're feeling stuck in your dating and relationship life and you could use the guidance of a therapist and relationship coach wrapped into one -- reach out to Melanie here to set up a complimentary consultation. She works with clients for a minimum of 3 months at a time -- which you can learn more about on her website.