Are You A Closet Liar And Excuse Maker?
Tell me, can you relate to any of these? "I'm so sorry I can't meet you tonight....I'm not feeling well." "Oh I'm so sorry I won't be at your party. I'm going to be out of town!" "Yes, I'd love to go out with you again." "Oh I already have plans." "Sure, I'd be happy to get together and have you pick my brain." I'm guessing if you're human -- tossing out a lie or two here or there is something you've most likely done before. Whether you'd like to admit it or not ;-) Whether it's a 'white lie' we tell to not hurt someone's feelings or a lie we tell to hide something about ourselves... I'm guessing we've all had the experience of feeling like we need to hide our truth in order to get what we want.
While in the moment, some part of us thinks that making this excuse or telling this lie is the perfect solution -- ultimately it does nothing but disconnect us from others and put us in our own personal jail cell.
Because the people who like us - who are believing the lies and excuses we tell -- are actually liking us for who they think we are --- and not who we actually are.
And so we're never really known. And in order to continue to stay "liked" -- we need to keep up the lies and excuses.....which frankly, is exhausting and disempowering. When we lie, it's an indication that we believe we won't be loved and accepted for who we are. It stems from the feeling that if a person really knew how we felt -- that they'd leave us, go away, or not like us anymore. But pretending to be someone you're not so that someone will like you and not abandon you not only diminishes your power and sense of self, but it kills any opportunity you have to develop true intimacy with this person. You simply can't develop authentic intimacy with anyone if you don't allow them to see who you truly are and how you truly feel. You may keep the relationship with this person going -- but it's built on falseness. There's no room for true expression or the joy and fulfillment that comes when you to stand in your truth FULLY....no matter what that is --- and allow someone to see you for exactly who you really are. Each time you lie and make up an excuse -- you're coming from a disempowered place. A place where you feel like you need to protect yourself. Because underneath it all -- you're afraid that who you really are won't be accepted. And let's face it....that's a shitty feeling! It feels like crap to have to put on a front and make excuses for what's true for you.
So let's look at this some more.
What's the absolute worst thing that would happen if you told someone your truth:
"You know, I'm really not in a place where I feel like hanging out much socially these days. I'm just feeling really internal and quiet. It's nothing personal. But I so love that you reached out and I hope all is well with you!"
"I'd love to be here as a resource for you, and have you pick my brain, but right now my schedule is really full and I'm not able to take the time to connect at the moment."
"I had a lovely time hanging out with you, but the truth is I'm not feeling like we're a match in terms of dating."
I mean, really...what's the worst thing that would happen if you told the truth?? The worst thing that would happen is they might be disappointed or judge you in some way. Perhaps the person would walk away from you and decide they want nothing to do with you. But truthfully, why would you want to be close to anyone who doesn't like you for who you really are?! And also.....when it comes down to it....that's their stuff. Their issues. Their triggers.
And you're not responsible for other peoples "stuff". What you are responsible for is yourself.
For living your life in a way that feels authentic to you and in alignment with your core beliefs.
For being kind and honest and loving and showing up with integrity. These are some of the things you get to be responsible for. But you're not responsible for how other people perceive you or how they are triggered by you. Your work is looking at why other peoples perceptions of you are so important to you that you're willing to toss your integrity out the window to protect your image. Your work is to explore what your deepest fears are around allowing yourself to be truly seen and known. Your work is to look at how you people-please and reflect on if that's serving you and your relationships or blocking your self expression, connection with others, and happiness. Because what's the point in having people like us if we're living a lie and feeling disempowered and disconnected? So if you find yourself lying and making up excuses to get out of situations regularly… And you often come up with reasons why you can't do certain things or why you didn't do certain things… Then I have a question for you:
* What would it be like to never have to make up an excuse?
* What would it be like to walk through life never having to lie?
* What would it be like to never have to worry that who you are won't be accepted?
If you find yourself struggling with living authentically and allowing your true self to be seen -- I'd love to help you!
Each week, I have a handful of 30 minute spots available to chat with people and see if we're a good fit to work together. If you're interested -- you can book a time to talk with me here. Because if you're stuck in this cycle....I know you're not feeling empowered and not feeling fully expressed. And so let's get you out of that pattern! :) I want you to be able to stand tall in who you and live your most authentic and fulfilled life possible :) Until next time.... Lots of love! Melanie :)